Bilbos Misadventures: The Case Of The Bruised Hobbit
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Bilbo wakes up with a hangover, he can't remember what happened last night when Fili and Kili took him to a tavern in Dale. The brothers had dropped off Bilbos unconscious body somewhere out in a hall, leaving the hobbit very vulnerable!
1. Chapter 1

Bilbo Baggins had woken up with a hangover. His head throbbed as his feet touched the cold stone floor of his bedroom. The hobbit stood, dizzy at first, before slowly moving his aching body over to the water basin and mirror.

Bilbos hands dipped into the cool water, bringing it up to splash his tired face. His eyes looked into the mirror hanging above the basin, and the hobbit gasped.

He had a black eye! Where had that come from? He examined his mouth and noticed some of his teeth were loose! What could have caused such a thing? Thinking back to last night, Bilbo found he could not really remember much after arriving at a tavern with Fili and Kili. He had a few rounds but after that the hobbit couldn't remember a thing!

He turned from the mirror and left his room. He was going to find those two dwarfs and ask what had happened last night!

-0-0-

Fili and Kili were working off their hangover by munching down on breakfast. Enjoying the biscuits and eggs Bombur had whipped up for them.

"There you are!" The nephews turned to the voice that called to them.

"Bilbo! What happened to your face?!" Fili gawked, eyeing the hobbit as he made his way closer.

"I was hoping you two could shed some light on that, I can't remember anything from last night!" Bilbo sat down next to the brothers and waited for some sort of explanation.

"Well, you had a few rounds of ale, then passed out. So Fili and I kept drinking till we were good and tipsy then we decided to haul your arse home." Kili started to recall last evenings events.

"Yes, but I don't know if we made it to your room or not. I think we sort of dropped you off at any old bedroom door then left to go raid the kitchens." Fili spoke, trying to remember exactly where the hobbit had been placed last night.

"Wait, you said I was outside in one of the halls? But I woke up in my own bed this morning! Did you put me there?" Bilbo asked, beginning to wonder just what happened to his unconscious body.

"No, we really didn't put you to bed. We woke up an hour ago in this kitchen." Kili explained, watching the hobbit twitch uncomfortably in his seat.

"Oh come on Bilbo! It's not like anyone in this mountain would take advantage of your passed out body!" Fili chuckled, watching the hobbits eyes widen.

"I thought nothing of it at first, but I did find my backside was extra sore and tender. I just assumed it was from the hangover..."Bilbo looked worriedly at the brothers. "Would you two do me a favor and see if I'm alright there?" He asked, standing up and starting to fiddle with his trousers.

"Sure, but honestly Bilbo, what's got you so spooked?" Kili inquired, his brother and himself watched as the hobbit slipped down his trousers and mooned them.

"Holy mother of Smaug!" Fili cursed, his finger pointing at Bilbos bum. "Do you see what I see, Kili?"

"Yes Fili, I do. I just don't understand who would do that to poor Bilbo!" Kili gaped.

"What? What is it!" Bilbo cried out, still bent and showing off his bare arse.

"You've got a huge bruise on your right cheek, Bilbo." Kili told him. "Somebody must have taken you for a spin last night."

"Don't even say such a thing!" Bilbo hissed, pulling up his trousers and turning to face the young brothers. "We are going to find out what happened last night! Question every dwarf in the mountain if we have to!" Bilbo exclaimed, his face completely serious as his eyes wandered over to Bombur.

"Bombur! Where were _you_ last evening?!" Bilbo began questioning the round and heavy dwarf.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

Authors Note: Hello there! I'm going to make this a short chapter story! I'll be updating quickly and often, Bilbo is determined to find out what happened last night! You'll get to hear different dwarfs point of view on what took place, should be a fun filled time solving the mystery of Bilbos bruised arse.


	2. Chapter 2

Bombur was a dwarf of few words, mostly answering a question with a nod or shake of his head. He liked to elaborate his opinion on a matter by using his hands in gesture.

At Bilbos question, the plump dwarf simply took his hands together, placed his head along them, and made snoring sounds.

"So you're saying you didn't wake up and see anything suspicious going on along the hall where all our rooms are?" Bilbo questioned, his eyes searching for any falsehood within the dwarf.

Bombur shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, 'no'. His hands reaching out and picking up a wheel of cheese, his mouth began to loudly munch as Bilbo sighed in frustration.

Bombur watched as he munched, the hobbit was turning to Fili and Kili for advice on who to question next.

-0-0-

Ori entered the kitchen, smiling at the sight of Bilbo.

"Hello master Baggins!" Ori hailed his hobbit friend.

"Ori!" Bilbo called, gesturing for the dwarf to sit next to him. "I need to ask you a few questions."

"Of course! But would you mind me asking one first? Why were you outside on the veranda so late last night?"

"Veranda? What was I doing there?"

"I imagine freezing your butt off, it was a bit nippy last night. But there you were, sitting in a chair with the goofiest grin! You were leaning kind of funny on this little table in front of you. I think you had some sort of drink in one hand, I thought it very strange!" Ori explained, watching Bilbos eyes go glassy, as if trying to remember.

"If you thought it strange, why not go check on him?" Fili asked.

"Well, I would have, but Dwalin showed up and told me to get back to bed! I did just that and figured he would notice Bilbo and check up on him." Ori finished his tale, watching the three friends give out a frustrated sigh.

"Did Dwalin give you that shiner for being up so late?" Ori asked Bilbo of his new black eye.

"That's his problem, Ori! Bilbo doesn't remember anything from last night. We're trying to figure out what happened." Kili explained to the other dwarf.

"It's only a black eye, master Baggins could have had much worse done to him." Ori stated his opinion, getting a strange look from the hobbit and fellow dwarfs.

"He also has a very nasty bruise, Ori. On his bum..." Fili confided, watching Oris eyes widen in shock.

"Oh my! Who would treat poor mister Bilbos rump so roughly!" Ori hugged the hobbit, feeling bad for his friends situation.

"I guess we should start looking for Dwalin, maybe he can explain what happened." Bilbo stood, Fili and Kili following his movements.

"I think Dwalin likes to eat his breakfast outside." Ori gave his advice to the trio. "Good luck Bilbo, I hope you find the answers you seek!"

"Thank you Ori, alright. Lets go see if we can find Dwalin." Bilbo led the way, the companions leaving the kitchens and headed north towards the mountains exit.

-0-0-

Dwalin liked the fresh air and quietness of eating his breakfast outside. He wasn't always the quiet type, he enjoyed loud get togethers as much as the next dwarf! Yet it seemed to start his day out right when he'd eat alone outside the Lonely Mountain.

He was eating seasoned pork meat with cooked potatoes and onions all wrapped in a large, warm slice of white bread. Pieces if pork fell out and landed on his beard and chest while he ate greedily.

"Dwalin!" The dwarf heard his name called, his face frowning while he chewed his meal.

Who would be dumb enough to bother a hungry dwarf while he was eating? Dwalins head turned slightly to take in the form if Bilbo Baggins walking over to him.

"Hobbits!" He grunted to himself, annoyed at being disturbed. What did the hairy foot whiner want anyway? Hadn't he been rude enough last night? Dwalin didn't care to deal with any more of Bilbos ass hattery right at this moment.

The dwarf would continue to eat his meal no matter what the ex burglar had to say. Food would be coming first before Bilbo!

"Dwalin!" Bilbo plastered a grin on his face. "Good morning!" He greeted the chewing dwarf.

Dwalin merely grunted a reply. Wishing that the hobbit would say his peace and be gone.

Bilbo noticed the dwarfs apparent mood, and his grin fell off his face. He gave a scowl towards the grump of a dwarf.

"Alright, down to business then. When you saw me last night, what was I doing?"

Dwalin laughed bitterly, his speech muffled by his mouth being full, "As if you don't remember! I'm in no mood, Bilbo. Leave."

Bilbo stomped his big hairy feet in annoyance. "Damn it Dwalin, I don't remember a thing! So instead of being pissy and a grump, how about you tell me what I did to get your knickers in a bunch!"

That did it! Dwalin very carefully set down his food, then turned all his angry attention on Bilbo. "Ya don't remember you say? Well, how about I give your memory a little tap?" The provoked dwarf held up his fists to the shocked hobbit.

"Now Dwalin! No need to get physical!" Bilbo protested, backing off the ready to rumble dwarf.

"Oh, there's need lad, you insulted me greatly last night, and I was willing to let it go...Then you come over, interrupt my meal and get pushy with me? I think not!" He growled as he spoke, thoroughly mad. "I'm about to give you another sore eye!"

"Wait, does that mean you gave me this one last night?" Bilbo asked, still trying to stay a safe distance from Dwalin.

"I wish I had, but no, I let ya go without a scratch on ya! That's about to change." Dwalin roared and leaped for the hobbit.

Bilbo began to scream as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him, away from the chasing Dwalin. Where were Fili and Kili?! They could surely talk some sense into the irate dwarf pursuing Bilbo.

Bilbo made his way hurriedly towards the mountains entrance, his eyes landing on Fili and Kili as they were leaving the mountain.

"Fili! Kili!" Bilbo called, seeing their heads turn, that's about the time Dwalin vaulted and grabbed the hobbits ankle, tripping him.

"You're mine hobbit!" Dwalin roared as he positioned himself atop Bilbo and raised his fist.

Bilbo closed his eyes, waiting to feel the pain of getting socked in the face by Dwalins mighty fist. Then suddenly, the weight the hobbit had felt on top of him vanished! He popped open his eyes and watched the young dwarf brothers rolling around with Dwalin, trying to pin his body down.

"Thank goodness!" Bilbo sighed, feeling relief at his friends coming to his rescue. He stood up and noticed that Fili had Dwalins arms pinned to the ground and Kili had the legs of the angry dwarf secured.

"What's the matter with you, Dwalin!?" Fili yelled down at the foaming at the mouth dwarf beneath him.

"Yeah! Beating on poor Bilbo, you know he'd crumble at one punch from someone as strong as you!" Kili chided, his words somewhat making Bilbo feel like a ninny.

"I tried telling him I couldn't remember what I did last night. Apparently it was very rude whatever I did, and Dwalin didn't believe I couldn't remember." Bilbo began explaining to Fili and Kili.

"It's true, Dwalin. Bilbo was passed out from drinking and he can't remember a thing!" Fili tried reasoning with the slowly calming down dwarf.

"He was still rude with me! Bothering me while I ate my meal, speaking ill of my nickers! The lines this hobbit crosses!" Dwalin barked out his complaints.

"Now Dwalin, who's the bigger dwarf?" Kili chided.

"Bombur?" Dwalin spoke, not understand Kili's meaning.

"No, I meant who should be big enough to walk away from Bilbos actions? He's just a wee hobbit, he doesn't understand all our odds and ends." Kili started to explain, getting a flabbergasted sigh from Dwalin.

"Fine! I'm the bigger dwarf." Dwalin murmured, still grumpy but less ready to throttle the hobbit.

"There! Now, if we let you up, do you promise not to hurt poor little Bilbo?" Fili questioned, receiving a simple nod from Dwalin.

The brothers helped up the calming down dwarf, watching for any sign of lingering rage.

"Now, could you tell us what Bilbo did last night to offend you?" Kili asked of the other dwarf, who was now stretching his muscles, a few joints popping loudly as he did so.

"It was after I sent Ori off to bed. Master Baggins here was on the veranda with the stupidest grin on his face! He was sitting at a little table, leaning a bit on it, when I asked why he was up so late." Dwalin paused, his eyes landing on Bilbo.

"You rudely threw a cup at me, whatever was in the damned thing went all over my boots! You then began to laugh and point. You then proceeded to call me a Thin Beard!" Dwalin glared daggers at the hobbit. "I held my temper, though I wanted to ring your neck for such a cruel insult, and left you there to freeze that cheeky ass of yours off. I don't know how Thorin puts up with you!" Dwalin ended his sentence, Bilbo shook his head from side to side.

"I don't remember any of it! And you're saying I laughed at you? Maybe I was sleepwalking! Perhaps that's how I got out there in the first place. Either way, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Dwalin." Bilbo apologized, watching the dwarf cross his arms and turn his head away from the trio.

"Forget it, just let me eat the rest of my meal in peace." He harrumphed.

"What do we do now, Bilbo?" Fili asked as the three friends left Dwalin to himself.

"We find another dwarf and see if they noticed me doing anything out of the ordinary last night." The hobbit spoke, marching his way back into the Lonely Mountain. If he had truly been sleepwalking, who knew what the hobbit might have been up to!

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


	3. Chapter 3

Bofur was a fairly level headed, understanding dwarf. He wasn't usually the type to get angry when something upset him, he was more likely to become sad and emotional. Last night, something very _wrong_ had happened to Bofur, and he was now currently walking the halls of the Lonely Mountain with a depressed look on his face.

Bilbo and Thorins nephews happened upon the dwarf, noticing the absence of his treasured hat before taking in the dwarfs mood.

"Bofur, what on Middle Earth happened to your hat?" Bilbo asked the down trodden dwarf. It was rare to ever see this fellow without his trusty hat on. Bilbo doubted the dwarf even took it off when bathing!

"Oh Mister Baggins, don't be so cruel, you know what happened to my...hat." His eyes were watering, he was close to tears now.

"But Bofur, Bilbo doesn't remember what he did last night! It's the truth!" Kili informed the uncertain dwarf.

"Come on, why don't you tell us from the beginning what happened." Fili spoke gently to Bofur, patting his back in reassurance.

"It was late, I always set my hat beside me on an end table before going to bed. So when I heard a grunting noise near me, I turned my head and saw Bilbo." He paused, face ghost like as he remembered the horrible evening. "I thought I was dreaming at first, I mean, what would Bilbo be doing in my room? But it wasn't a dream, for I started smelling something awful and watched master Baggins strain as he...as he." He paused to wipe his teary face, "Mister Baggins was straddling his ass over my hat! He soiled it unmercifully with his stinky hobbit shit and smiled the whole time!" Bofur began to bawl at finishing this sentence, Fili and Kili were in tears but not for sadness. They found the tale incredibly funny in a sick sort of way. Bilbo was beside himself on how to feel about taking a crap in Bofurs hat, let alone the feeling of realizing someone watched you take the crap in question. By Elrond this was embarrassing!

"What did, ahem, what did you do with your hat?" Fili asked, trying very hard not to laugh in the emotional dwarfs face.

"It's still there, on my end table. It smells so bad! I just, I just don't know what to do with it! My room stinks to high heaven now because of Bilbos accident." He cried out, blowing his nose.

"But what happened next?" Bilbo asked, feeling like a complete ass for hurting the dwarfs feelings.

"Next? I don't know. You sort of just pulled up your trousers and left my room, acting like it was just normal to take a load in any dwarfs hat and just walk away!" Bofur sniffed, looking at Bilbo morosely.

"Did you follow Bilbo? Kick him in the rear maybe?" Kili questioned, having controlled his need to laugh.

"No I didn't follow him! The hobbit just took a big _turd_ in my hat, I wasn't going to see what else his bowels deemed a chamber pot!" Bofur wailed his answer, his eyes now reddened from crying.

"Listen Bofur, in my right mind I would never have done that to you. Please forgive me." Bilbo went to gently touch the sullen dwarfs shoulder, only to have the dwarf pull away.

"It's too soon, I need time to forgive you Bilbo. My hat was more than just a thing, it was a _friend_. A friend you just _shit_ on! I need some space, Bilbo." He stepped away from the hobbit and dwarf brothers, walking off to another hall.

"Poor Bofur." Kili sighed as his brother and he watched the sad dwarf depart.

"I can't believe Bilbo would do such a nasty thing!" Fili shook his head, his eyes moving over to the embarrassed looking Bilbo.

"Well then, shall we move onto the next dwarf?" Bilbo tried changing the subject.

"What, so you can crap in his hat too?" Kili joked, making Fili laugh and Bilbo gasp and turn red. "Joking Bilbo, I mean what are the odds of _that_ happening twice in one night?" Kili chuckled, starting to walk down the hall in search of more dwarfs to question.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin Oakenshield was snug in his bed, deep in slumber. His ears did not notice the sound of his bedroom door opening and closing, no, he was too wrapped up in dream land. His bed dipped as a sleepy minded hobbit commenced to snuggle under the covers with the kingly dwarf. Arranging his body so that Thorin was spooning the cuddly Bilbo.

The presence of the hobbit was treated within Thorins dream, which happened to be about his faithful mount, Minty the pony.

In Thorins dream he was riding his pony, cantering through a green meadow. While in his sleep, the dwarfs hands found Bilbos hips and grasped them, his loins grinding into the hobbit as he dreamed of riding in the saddle.

Bilbo cave into the grinding, his mind still fogged from inebriation.

"Faster Minty!" Thorin spoke in his sleep, his pace quickening as he in reality was dry humping Bilbo so wildly the blankets were sliding off the joined couple.

Thorin dreamt of riding his noble mount to the stables, dismounting gracefully as he went to unbridled the mare he was so very fond of.

"Who's the fastest, strongest pony? You are! Yes you are my pretty pony! My pretty Minty!" He talked sweetly to his pony, running his hand over her beautiful flaxen mane.

As he dreamed of doing all that, Thorin was in reality stroking the hobbits hair, murmuring praises into Bilbos ear. With his head so near Bilbos hair, his nose breathed in the overpowering odor of alcohol.

Dreaming, Thorin smelled Minty's mane and caught the same alcohol scent. "Minty! What has happened to your mane? Have those nephews been bothering you again?" He questioned the mare. Wait a minute! Minty's mane would never smell like alcohol...

Thorin awoke from his dream, his eyes taking in something very unusual. It appeared he was staring at the back of someone's head. The dwarf looked down to see his legs were inner twined with this unknown person! He reached and turned the body to stare at the sleeping form of Bilbo!

"Hobbit!" Thorin gasped, pushing the body of Bilbo away from him, watching the hobbit hit his head on the night stand against the royal bed.

"How dare you sneak into my room and cuddle in my bed! Get out! Out!" He roared, pushing and shoving the body until it rolled off the bed and onto the hard stone floor.

Why wasn't Bilbo awakening when Thorin was loudly yelling at him to leave? Thorin, now standing above the passed out hobbit, gripped the neck of Bilbos shirt and began to drag his body toward the door. The dwarf set Bilbo outside his bedroom door, kicking the hobbit angrily in the rear end, before leaving the hobbit out in the cold hallway. The nerve of that hobbit!

Wait a minute! This could be Thorins chance to get back at Bilbo for his sponge bath nonsense! The way that hobbit had acted, Thorin bet that he could get the unconscious little trickster in trouble with other dwarfs around the mountain! And Thorin knew just who to start with first...

Gloin had argued with Thorin about having the fastest pony in the stable, which was a horrid lie! Thorins Minty was the best of the best, much faster than that snail of a pony Gloin rode.

It was time for Gloin to have a little 'accident'. Thorin went outside his bedroom, the hobbit was still laying there limply. The dwarf hoisted up Bilbo, lightly carrying the unaware hobbit towards the room of Gloin.

His foot steps were silent as the grave as Thorin trod inside the slumbering Gloins chambers. Noticing a chair at the end of the bed, the dwarf king placed Bilbo upon it, propping him up to look normal. Once the hobbit was in place, Thorin quietly snaked over to the snoozing dwarf. A razor was retrieved from Thorins pocket and he skillfully began to shave off the eyebrows of Gloin.

Holding back laughter at seeing the oddity of a no brow Gloin, Thorin placed the closed razor in Bilbos hand. Tiptoeing out of the room, he slide outside the door, scooting along the stone wall before making a random loud noise.

It worked, for he could hear Gloin awaken with a yell, then some fumbling was heard within the room.

"Master Baggins?" Gloins voice was heard as Thorin waited for the dwarf to notice the razor in Bilbos hand.

"What's that in your wee little hand?" Gloin spoke to the unresponsive Bilbo.

From Thorins view, he could see a light within the room now. A loud growl came from the vocals of Gloin.

"I'm brow less!" Gloin roared, apparently he had looked in a mirror at hearing those words. Thorin chuckled quietly as he watched Bilbos body throw from the room, his ass bouncing off the floor before coming to a halt. Ah, revenge was sweet tasting!

-0-0-

Bilbo was walking the halls with Fili and Kili when he noticed Gloin in the distance.

"Gloin!" Bilbo waved, noticing something was off about the dwarfs face the closer he got.

"By Durin! Look at Gloins face!" Kili pointed and laughed, his brother Fili beginning to giggle along as well.

Gloin glared, though it was hard to tell without having eyebrows to watch. The angry dwarf held an axe in his hands, "See something funny, did ya?" He questioned, daring the young dwarfs to laugh more and see what happened.

Fili and Kili clammed up, noticing a angry crazed look in Gloins eye.

"What ever happened?" Bilbo inquired, getting a heated look and a growl from the armed dwarf.

"You nasty trickster! As if you don't recall sneaking about my chambers and shaving off my beloved brows! I'd skin ya right here right now if you weren't Thorins special companion!" He poked the hobbit with a stony finger into Bilbos chest.

"But Gloin! I was sleepwalking! Whatever I did it wasn't on purpose!" Bilbo tried explaining, his words falling on deaf ears.

"Lies! I'm not a fool, Bilbo. I've nothing more to say to the likes of you!" He harrumphed as his legs began to march past the trio.

"Goodness Bilbo! You really did have a busy night!" Fili commented as they watched the pissed Gloin walk away.

"Where in the world would I have even gotten a razor? I could have cut him while doing that in my sleep! Something just isn't right about all this nonsense." Bilbo spoke, his mind wandering to what else could explain his strange actions.

"You know, I haven't seen your uncle all day, any idea where he might be?" Bilbo questioned the nephews. Perhaps Thorin would have some helpful advice.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


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